Monday, July 18 // 6:33 pm
fourteenth day!
hurray.not.
somehow, i think this 'little' feud between friends has been blown out of proportion. suddenly ying's mad at me, suddenly yiling's my 'best friend'. suddenly ying gets chummier with other people. suddenly ying's mad at halimatul. suddenly i feel that i'm a big bitch.
i wonder what i did wrong. if i did something wrong by choosing to talk more with yiling (she isn't that bad, you know.)? if i did, then i'm sorry. you can't expect me to start ignoring her, and act like a bitch. i pity her, really, i do. i know what it's like to be all alone. your friends don't care, your parents are too busy (or you just can't have a heart-to-heart talk with them), your teachers biased towards you.
these are the reasons. i don't want her to be like me, or feel like me, at least. the helplessness. the feeling that you have no one to turn to. won't it be nice if there were no problems at all? the happy, happy, happy floaty feeling you get.
i thought i had friends to turn to. but i guess i don't. and it's hard to just
open up to them. can you imagine discussing with your friend about your boyfriend? or all the deep things that run in you?! the feelings you have. maybe it's easy for you. but i think the only person [or thing] i can confide in is my blog. or diary.
i don't like discussing about boyfriends (: i'm a failure at having one, so i don't think i want to talk about that. i thought about confiding in ying, but then...what would she think of me?! i don't know. boy-crazy? stupid? foolish? will she tell the rest of them?
i don't want people asking me, "oh, jolyn, what happened?" and give me that stupid
fake look of pity. you just want to know all the juicy bits, don't you? well, there is nothing juicy. you can dig all you want, i'm keeping my mouth shut. (: i'm sorry. i'm
that private. i would like to enjoy the last shred of privacy, dignity and pride that i have. i don't want you to tell them what you think of me.
blurgh. just being emotionally unstable today. sorry. ((:----
blurgh. i'm too punk rock for all that shit. i hate bitches like dionne. thank you, you showed me the real you today. i always thought you were nice, but now i know better. don't bother asking me to wait for you after school, yeah? i can't believe you would say such a thing about me. even if it were true, it was
your fault! stupid. why so i feel like bitch slapping you so hard?!
she says i lie to her. excuse me. i tried to wait for you. but have you ever heard of the word "hurry"? she told me to wait for her, and i did. and guess what i got? instead of an uttered 'thanks', she took her own sweet time. like it's
my honour she begged me to go home with her. so it's an coincidence we both live in yishun. but so?!
this is what i get?! i waited for you, so fine, you can start talking. but not right in front of me, yes? she once said halimatul is a "stupid woman" who "ignores me". then today she told jedi "she always lie to me!" fuck you. i don't care anymore. you can start spreading malicious rumours, as long as the people who matter know it's not true, then good.
here's what happened.
dionne: jolyn, wait for me, okay? go home together [big grin, like we're oh-so-chummy]
jolyn: okay
dionne: you want follow me and jedi go third floor return the borrowed skirt?
jolyn: nah. i go toilet with halimatul and rachel. i wait for you at the foyer.
dionne: huh...okay.
[to jedi]
jedi: why you ask her go?
dionne: cos she always lie to me one! later she go home without me again!
while i was standing right in front of her. i don't know what you're trying to do. hurt me? how to you break a heart when it wasn't even whole to start with?!
then i so kindly waited for her at the foyer. i called her, and then she didn't pick up. on purpose?! then she calls me back, after waiting for her so fucking long. i picked up, and went "where are you?"
dionne: i at potong pasir there! where are you?
jolyn:
WHAT?! i'm at the foyer, waiting for you.
dionne: huh! you at the foyer?! you come potong pasir find me la!
jolyn: ouh. then never mind. i take yiling's car go to the bus stop.
dionne: okay, fine. BYE!
and slams the phone down. god. i hate her. bitch! i want to bitch slap her so hard, that her face looks as purple as an eggplant.
maybe she thinks it's funny. but i don't find it remotely funny. i think it's a stupid thing to do. i'm running home after school tomorrow. bye dionne.
---
i'm also in trouble with mrs tbc (:
called me in front with my calculator. hurhur.
and she's the tcher in charge of band. ROCKS!
[not]
---
is this life even worth living? i went to npoint with michh today. then we played badminton. haha.
hali is so cute :p call me and ask me what questions to do. how to tell you to draw diagram?!
okay, i'm going to stop blogging. i need to do homework too.
headache!
supposed to go out with yiling today, but it rained, so her daddy came to fetch her.
i want to pierce my ear. i don't care if tbc or tmm or anybody sees.
i just want to pierce my ear
i just want to jam on my guitar
i just want to sing my heart out
jolyn dislikes long profiles, they reveal too much, and where's the enigma in that?
apart from that, jolyn is also an ugly monster, and if you have something against ugly people, then well, too bad.